


A Cracking Good Time

by shadow_oblivion



Series: Afflictions and Absurdities [1]
Category: Villainous (Cartoon)
Genre: BH is a cranky old man, Back Pain, Canon-Typical Violence, Cracking of body parts, Don’t eat science projects of unfamiliar origins, Gen, Temper Tantrums
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-17 23:30:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18974590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadow_oblivion/pseuds/shadow_oblivion
Summary: Black Hat has an off day. Flug and 5.0.5. are scared.  Demencia is all eyes.





	A Cracking Good Time

A furious screech rang out early one morning in Hatsville. No one within hearing range paid it any heed, as it was assumed that doing so would lead to an early death.

No one wanted to die via one of Black Hat’s temper tantrums. Not unless it was a hero who happened to have a death wish while hoping to catch the eldritch being off guard.

It had been a year since that had last happened. That had been...a messy confrontation.

So, at the risk of angering an ancient eldritch being, there were no witnesses to Black Hat’s fury this particular morning. If there had been, some might have been intrigued over the fact that it was not another being that Black Hat’s anger was directed at, but his own body.

One loud sickening crack at a time.

Black Hat hissed at a particularly loud crack from his lower back before clenching his teeth. How dare it make such a sound. He wasn’t _that_ old.  Black Hat leaned forward curiously and nearly winced at the series of tiny cricks that ran down his spine at the action.

Okay...maybe he was a bit older than most, but it wasn’t like this was a sign of anything bad, right?

_Snap_.

Oh.

That was...different.

Black Hat tilted his head to the side. Was his hipbone supposed to jut out like that? A couple of distrurbing cracks centered around his shoulders had sounded at the movement of his head.

Black Hat’s fangs bared dangerously. 

This morning was terribly sunny, and therefore made this wretched debacle worse. The light that streamed through the colored panels of his office windows highlighted Black Hat’s obvious misery with his current condition.

He hadn’t been like this yesterday...

One of Black Hat’s thin brows twitched as he soon settled on what he had done differently. The demon may have sampled a few beakers from the laboratory the previous evening, because the smells had been rather delectable. Black Hat frowned. Was that the reason he felt so miserable when he returned to the office last night? Where he had languished on his chair in an odd and uncomfortable stupor for hours on end? Was it really due to those formulas he’d ingested?

Fangs bared wider as claws stabbed out of gloves.

Black Hat would get to the bottom of his creaking body this instant. He took two steps toward the door, full of determination. Another step and Black Hat fell face first to the floor with a series of disturbing snapping sounds traveling up his legs.

The eldritch demon bit the floor, salivating acidic drool to make the task easier.  

Hours ticked by before Black Hat levered himself up and stood. Both knees immediately popped, causing the legs to buckle to send Black Hat straight to the floor again. The demon lie there for a moment, hissing his fury, before he contorted his body (minus the painful snapping and cracking) and skittered low across the floor toward the door.

It was bad timing, as a terrified scream rang out and something struck Black Hat in the abdomen as soon as he reared up to lunge for the door.

All breath was driven from Black Hat’s body (despite not truly needing it), along with the worrying noise of ribs breaking. This unexpected agony was accompanied by the words of his scientist, who was stuttering and clearly greatly disturbed by what he’d just witnessed. An accompanying ‘bwao’ let Black Hat know how he’d so easily ended up on the floor of his office.

5.0.5.

”S-Sir what the...wh-why were you on t-the floor like that? Thought you w-were one of my e-escaped experiments.”

Black Hat flopped onto his side to glare venomously up at Flug and the blue monstrosity before promptly closing his eye to suffer in silence. 

“Boss?” Flug asked.

Black Hat heaved an annoyed sigh and levered himself up, only to crack his back to the point where it sounded like he had snapped himself in half. Claws dug into the floor, tearing it up as a white hot agony traveled up his spine. The demonic screaming he could have done without, but Black Hat was satisfied over the knowledge that it would cause his two employees pain to hear him screech so near. Black Hat didn’t expect to get shot several times with darts in response, and immediately lurched at Flug with a ferocious snarl.

How _dare_ he-

The eldritch being ended up enveloped in soft fur, and grasped firmly. 

“I think I know what happened here, _sir_.” 

Black Hat despised the sound of Flug’s voice and the way that irritating note of superiority crept in. The eldritch being’s hands twitched against 5.0.5.’s furry arm. Black Hat found that it was hard to keep his eye open as a calming effect washed over him, no doubt the result of whatever had been in the darts.

“You ate some of my experiments again, didn’t you?” Flug’s goggles reflected narrowed eyes, dart gun now held loosely in one hand.

Black Hat’s head lolled to one side with a wheezy hiss.

”Thought so. That explains all the cracking sounds.” Flug pocketed the dart gun, right hand slipping up beneath the paper bag to massage the side of his head. “I was developing a formula to cause brittle bones, so that villains could smash their opponents into a broken heap in one hit.” Flug sighed. “But now I have to start all over again since you ate everything to do with it.”

Black Hat writhed sluggishly within 5.0.5’s hold, despite the increasing amount of popping and cracking that happened the more he struggled.

”I assume the effect will wear off on you within a few hours. But until then, I guess you won’t be seeing any clients.” Flug suddenly looked very gleeful. “You know...you may want to kill me later for this, but I just thought of the best place for you to...recover.”

Black Hat could all but see the shit eating grin beneath that damn bag. The demon’s eye widened a second later in sudden understanding. 

Flug wouldn’t _dare_.

”I will kill you so horrendously if you even _think_ of-“

”You’ll make me miserable, I’m sure, but you won’t actually kill me.” The scientist cut in smoothly, as he waved a hand excitedly. “Just think of all the money I can make you with that formula. Villains will be falling over themlses to buy it so they can defeat a previously unbeatable hero.” Flug puffed up, clearly proud of himself.

Black Hat wasn’t as inclined to being cheered by the sound of money when his body was acting up. With a snarl, a clawed hand glowed red and flexed as Black Hat began to choke the life out of the smug man before him.

5.0.5. acted accordingly, even though the bear didn’t seem to realize that he actually caused the eldritch being some discomfort. The tight bear hug the blue bear gave all but snapped Black Hat’s spine, and caused the demon to abruptly stop choking Flug.

Black Hat’s snarl ended up a faint almost-whimper as he hung limply in 5.0.5’s embrace. A small shift of fur and there was suddenly a large paw patting him on the back.

Ugh.

Black Hat couldn’t move. Damned bear, causing him more damage to heal without realizing it. Coughing and hacking drew Black Hat’s attention to where Flug was on the floor, hand to his throat as he struggled for air.

Nothing was said.

Flug merely rose to his feet some minutes later and waved a hand at 5.0.5. to get the blue bear to follow him. But the direction Flug led them down the hall once they exited the office...

No.

Flug wouldn’t.

Not after the none too subtle warning.  Not that it seemed to be enough to deter the scientist from his current path.

Demenica.

Flug was taking him to Demencia.

Oh, Black Hat was going to kill Flug slowly, very slowly. The demon eyed his employee malevolently, and with bared fangs, as 5.0.5. brought him into Demencia’s room. Flug wasn’t looking Black Hat in the eye as the door was closed, where the scientist left the eldritch being to his doom.

Mercifully, Demenica remained asleep for a time, tangled up in blankets. 

It was only when Black Hat started to regain his mobility with a series of snaps and cricks that Demencia woke. Black Hat swore there were hearts in her eyes as she launched herself out of bed and toward him with a jubilant cry. Black Hat skittered across the floor on distorted limbs, bones snapping and popping all the way as he peeled his lips back to bare fangs at the lizard girl to warn her off. 

Demencia was beside herself with happiness at the demon’s presence and merely threw herself at him again, as if sensing that he wasn’t actually going to attack.

Black Hat made a gurgling sound over the way Demencia hugged him, the demon’s body contorting frantically to get away from attempted kisses.

”Is this a proposal, handsome?”

Before Black Hat could be properly appalled by Demencia’s words, he heard muffled laughter on the other side of the door. Black Hat’s eye glowed a soft red as he lurched at the door, breaking it down with a smash of his entire body against it. The motion only cracked more bones but Black Hat didn’t care as he opened his mouth and latched onto one of Flug’s arms. The threat of a dangerous bite caused the scientist to let out a high pitched, terrified scream. 

It was complete and utter chaos in the hall for the next several seconds. 

Demencia continued to cling doggedly to Black Hat with seemingly no intention to let go. 5.0.5. was trying to free Flug’s arm from the maw of a snarling Black Hat as the whole hall darkened to a worrying degree. Flug was panicking and on the verge of tears, waiting for those sharp fangs to actually sink into flesh.

Black Hat’s upper half elongated with a specifically made snap, which indicated that his body had changed shapes as a clawed hand reached out for the scientist’s throat. It came into contact with soft fur instead, followed by a worried growl and then, more pain.

5.0.5. hefted and squeezed Black Hat into another hug, as if not sure how else to distract him.

_SNAP_

_CRACK_

A shrill demonic shriek rang out after Black Hat abruptly let go of Flug’s arm, threw Demencia off of him and twisted to let out said shriek right in 5.0.5.’s face.

The damned bear merely hugged Black Hat more tightly.

A portal suddenly appeared and Black Hat clawed free of 5.0.5. as he flopped into the portal, jabbing a claw in Flug’s direction as he fell, even as he noted that Flug had passed out while 5.0.5. held him.  Black Hat yelled anyway, determined to get the last word in.

“Get that formula done before I return or I’ll rip out your insides and-“

The portal closed before Black Hat could finish the threat. It was just as well, since Flug wouldn’t have heard him anyway. But he was sure Demencia would be more than happy to pass on the message when he woke. The eldritch demon moodily stretched out in the darkness and allowed his body to start to piece itself back together on the inside. At the very least, Black Hat now knew that he wasn’t cracking his body in numerous worrying ways because he was getting older.

It was merely a side effect from ingesting one of Flug’s experiments. 

-x-x-x-

After a sleepless night frantically working, Flug nervously made his way to his boss’ office, wringing his hands. The scientist anxiously looked around the hall as if Black Hat would appear out of the shadows.

He didn’t. 

Flug found the demon in his office, seated at the desk, and acting as if nothing unusual had happened yesterday. Flug had forgotten to knock, so he watched from the doorway, fidgeting, as Black Hat sat up straight and cracked his back with a low groan. Flug had the horrible urge to laugh and fought it down, at least until Black Hat let out a cross grumble, reaching for a newspaper.  As the demon’s hand closed on the paper, his wrist popped, causing Black Hat to issue out an irritated growl.

A single, nervous little giggle escaped Flug, and he froze in place as a single glaring eye fixed on him.

”Doctor Flug.” Black Hat let go of the newspaper, subconsciously flexing his gloveless fingers. “The formula?”

”Done.” Flug said nervously. “There’s e-enough product for a-about ten clients. Twenty if we make it o-one use per villain...and I can m-make more of it in l-less time...”

”That will suffice for now.” Black Hat said, eye never leaving Flug. A terrifyingly wide smile spilt the demon’s face as claws sprang out on both hands. A thin brow quirked in question, as if silently asking Flug if he wanted to be mauled where he stood.

Flug made a faint sound as he took one look at the way Black Hat stiffly rose from the chair, claws flexing, before the scientist slammed the office door shut. Without a word, Flug sprinted down the hall as fast as his legs could carry him. The human’s voice cracked on a scream as Black Hat broke down the office door to give chase. It only lasted a few seconds before Flug curled up into a ball in the corner of the hall, begging for his life. 

Demencia joined in from where she had been crawling around on the ceiling.  She prodded the quivering scientist as Black Hat raged, before the demon seemed to run out of steam and went for growling under his breath instead.

Flug had long since lost consciousness, no doubt a result of a lack of sleep and his menacing boss cornering him.

Black Hat found no pleasure in tormenting someone unconscious, though nightmares were a possibility but as of right now, he wasn’t up to it. It just wasn’t worth it when his victims couldn’t get the whole effect of his gloriously evil being. Black Hat straightened up from where he’d been looming over Flug, and ignored the way Demencia was still happily poking Flug.

Crick-crack went Black Hat’s back.

Black Hat sank his claws into 5.0.5.’s fur to no avail when the bear hugged him again. 5.0.5. dared to pat the demon’s shoulder consolingly over the apparent deterioration of his body.

Flug woke not too long after to find a very grumpy Black Hat still held in 5.0.5.’s grasp, while Demencia was on the bear’s shoulder and gleefully leaning over to wrap her arms around Black Hat’s upper body. 

The eldritch being now had the look of someone who had just given up and was content to watch the world burn. It was a disturbing, blank-eyed look. Almost like a lifeless puppet.

It was very disconcerning, considering they had a client coming in soon, but the moment 5.0.5. let go of Black Hat, the demon gracefully flopped to the floor. And didn’t move. Black Hat just lie prone and it was clear that he was in one of _those_ _moods_.

Which meant that...

Oh, not again.

”I’ll go reschedule the appointment.” Flug sighed, getting to his feet. Ten minutes later Flug returned, only to find 5.0.5. and Demencia sitting on the floor on either side of Black Hat.

”He hasn’t made a sound or blinked for five minutes. I think he’s counting something on the ceiling. At least, that’s where his sight is aimed.” Demencia commented once Flug was within hearing range. “And watch this.” The lizard girl scooted closer so that she could lean over to pat Black Hat’s shoulder.

A low hiss sounded from the demon, followed by a curled lip exposing fang and gum.

”Ooh, a sound _and_ movement. Guess he’s feeling better.”  Demenica poked again, then scrambled away with a laugh at a mouth forming to snap at her fingers.

All three employees wisely left their boss alone on the floor. Demonic screaming soon rent the air for hours on end, before an unnerving silence followed.

-x-x-x-

The next day, Black Hat was back to his normal self, though still a bit touchy for the next week whenever he heard a cracking sound within the manor or inside his body.

Flug watched from a distance, and with the observations he’d collected, figured he would soon stop slipping the formula into Black Hat’s poisoned drinks. Flug just needed a little more time to catch up on his sleep, and then he would put to use what he’d learned about the effects of the formula. The scientist just knew it would be a resounding hit for the company, just as soon as Flug began to sell the perfected batch of what he was dubbing the ‘heroic bone crusher.’

Flug was also certain, as he watched Black Hat destroy his office for the third time that day, that he, Demencia and 5.0.5. would appreciate the silence once the scientist stopped spiking their boss’ drinks. Flug was careful to keep his distance for a time, once he let up on the formula and the eldritch demon’s body went back to whatever his normal was.

That Black Hat’s body no longer popped or cracked without reason a few weeks later was a source of mystery to the eldritch being for a time, before the incident was entirely forgotten.

At least until the next problem arose.

**Author's Note:**

> Just needed to clear my head, so I wrote this. 
> 
> And yes, I am planning this to be a series of absurdity and shenanigans with no pairings (thinking that this’ll be my as close to canon as can be one shot series-with possible ooc at times). I have the feeling the pilot is going to catapult me into wanting to write more about just BHO daily life stuff and the like.
> 
> I’m planning on the ‘afflictions’ part to be Black Hat experiencing human problems (like sickness, which I know others have done before but why not write more sick BH fics) either from something he stumbled on or something that happens due to one of Flug’s inventions.


End file.
